WASHINGTON -- The striking writers behind Jon Stewart's fake news show
and Stephen Colbert's fake talk show came here to explain to real
lawmakers Wednesday a strike that has crippled creative television and
threatens to wreck the Oscars.
But knowing it can be difficult to get a lawmaker's attention when not
in a Learjet or on the links, the brains behind two of Comedy Central's
most-watched shows couched the issues in terms Washington could
understand: a mock debate.
On one side, in shirts, was the striking Writers Guild of America,
played by "Daily Show" writers Rob Kutner, Tim Carvell and Jason Ross.
On the other side, in suits, was the Alliance of Motion Picture and
Television Producers, played by "The Colbert Report" writers Michael
Brumm, Peter Grosz and Tom Purcell.
Crashing out of the starting gates, the shirts argued it would cost the
suits less than 1% of their total revenue to give the writers
everything they wanted. For Paramount Pictures, that comes to $4.6
million, or "half the amount it takes to get Reese Witherspoon into a
movie."
"I ask you," one writer noted, "which is more important to a movie -- a script, or half of Reese Witherspoon?"
The studio suits thought for a second.
"Which half?"
Now it was the studios' turn to make their case: "I had no idea what
substance that was that my trainer was injecting into my buttocks," one
suit boomed, getting an elbow from his colleague who mumbled, "Wrong
hearing."
"Point of order!" a starving writer blurted. "I was told there would be a free buffet lunch?"
The debate, held in a House hearing room and moderated by former White
House Press Secretary Dee Dee Myers, was intended to raise Washington's
awareness of a nearly 12-week strike that has 10,500 writers out of
work on both coasts, not to mention tens of thousands of support crews
and industry-dependent workers.
About half a dozen lawmakers showed up in solidarity -- including Rep.
Jan Schakowsky (D-Ill.), in a fake beard to honor writers who put down
their razors with their pencils, and Rep. Steve Cohen (D-Tenn.), who
recently appeared on "The Colbert Report."
"If I found Osama bin Laden and brought him in shackles to George Bush,
the thing I would best be known for in my district would be being on
the Stephen Colbert show," Cohen said.
Washington is rich fodder for the writers of both shows, and they
arrived with creative juices bottled up, muzzled during one of the most
competitive presidential campaigns in memory.
They released some pent-up urges with a skit that cleverly made their
case, sketched out over sodas Tuesday in a guild meeting room in New
York, then brought down by train for Wednesday's performance.
Hearkening previous occasions when industry types graced the halls of
Washington, Myers asked if any of the debaters was now or ever had been
a member of the Communist Party.
The studio execs rushed to respond:
"No."
"No."
"Hell, no."
The writers bowed their heads, sheepishly.
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